Are human beings capable of being noble in thought, word and deed or are they manifestations of treachery and evil? Are we significant and sentient beings or merely an infinitesimal speck in an infinite universe which could implode any moment? What is the meaning of life? Where is my life headed?Is a spade a spade? If no one knew I existed do I exist? Was it the chicken or the egg, which came first? Can Chuck Norris beat Rajnikant? For those who ask these questions out aloud (or to themselves) the following blog post is written to serve a basic purpose. The purpose is to establish without doubt that rhetorical and mind numbing questions are just that, rhetorical and mind numbing! They will not, cannot and should not be occurring to you, especially on a Friday when you could be out getting drunk, getting laid or saving the world!
Yet, let me introduce you to those amazing people I have come across sitting in lecture halls and large convention centres this past month and a half, who think it their birth right to change the world by their power of questioning. People of the world (or whomsoever I have posted this blog address to) I present to you the phenomenon of the “Social Boy.”
Yes, I realise that you folks are the questioning lot (disgruntled, angry and frustrated with life or have too much extra time on your hands) and so you ask, “What or who is a Social Boy?” and I would say, “Refer end note 1.” Then of course there would be some who would accuse me of being Gender offensive and ask “Why can’t it be a social Girl?” and I would promptly reply, “Refer end note 2”
Now that the basics are established, I would like to present to you in the descending order of significance and also physical size the hierarchy of the social boy:
Social Boy 3
The individual in question is over 29 years old in a class full of 19-20 ‘somethings’. He has a propensity for wearing pants which are tightened around his stomach and which are generally made of polyester. The man is also known for randomly hitting on women by telling them about his past louuuvwww life and not getting the hint that they aren’t interested. The reason why he falls into this category of analysis is that when a lecture about Marx takes place in a hall filled with people who would either take a gunshot to their head or jump off the window, he has the tenacity to argue with absolutely randomness:
“Sir, but don’t you think that Karl Marx should be spelt as Carl Marks? Do you not see this as the English Language bowing down to the Continental European might?”
No, that is not quite right! To truly feel the sheer mind numbing effect it leaves behind we must get his voice right. Imagine Arnab goswami’s hand gestures and articulation (or the lack of it), now add an accent which is half Indian and half Canadian and now imagine Anil Kapoor’s chest hair when he does a Jhakas item number and finally now imagine how it all sounds together. Yes, disgusting isn't it?
But alas! the list as I maintain has just begun.
Social Boy 2
Now social boy 2 is probably the quietest of the lot, but don’t let that fool you. When a professor who specialises in caste sensitivity issues frames a statement like, "...the inequity occurring in the stratification of Indian society which is even more accentuated in certain northern regions of our country...," our man has to stand up and be counted for.
“Sir, I disagree with you. The backward class in UP and Bihar are way too backward!”
“Yes, that is implied in my statement.”
“Sir, no, the backward class in UP and Bihar are really backward!”
“Son, are you not listening to me?”
“But sir I must protest! The backward class in UP and Bihar are really backward!”
At this stage the professor humbled by the experience of it all and possibly scarred for life just moves on to the next topic. And before we move on to the number one man on our countdown, I must present to you how Social Boy 2 is like in person. So imagine a person 5ft 5 inches tall. Good. Now imagine him slightly broad with a nice pot belly that would do humpty dumpty proud. Yes, even better. Now imagine him bald and always wearing a tight yet disfigured black t-shirt with white 3/4th pants. You are not quite there yet. Now imagine that to top all of this he has a tattoo which is a paragraph long and is an Urdu 'Sher'. And there you have him!
Social Boy 1
I would like you to pause for a moment and grasp the significance of what I am about to say. This is the person whom a lot of us have spent more than a month trying to figure out, the “alpha dog” of the social boy, the reason why many a social researcher will continue to investigate this phenomenon for eons to come, the one and only ‘Social Boy 1’.
Characteristic of his intellect or the sheer lack of it is the apparent wit and wordplay he uses while framing a question. Usually it means an encompassment of everything under the sun with reference to what is being discussed in class or not. Hence if the professor makes a harmless comment which would go unnoticed in any other lecture hall in the Universe:
“So, class the reason why democracy took root in India, was because of the spread in adult suffrage, federalism and secularism.”
Social Boy 1 would launch into a tirade which would somehow irrespective of the statement or argument being stated by the professor, always sound like:
“Ma’am, don’t you think India as a nation and as an idea has survived in our hearts because it is a country which is made by the people, of the people and for the people? Ma’am, I am the youth of this country and I wear the mark of my country and all that it stands for on my forehead... 60% of the population of India is the youth. And like everyone else here I want an explanation as to why we are not being answered. I want you to answer me, I want the Dean of this college to answer me, I want your father to answer me and I want your mother to answer me. I want the Prime Minister of this country, the Pope and President Barack Obama to answer me, because I am the youth of this country and I want justice!”
However it is in his physical appearance that Social boy 1’s true persona comes out. The Social Alpha Dog is all but 4ft 8 inches and like many a despot and mighty short heighted personality before him (read: Napolean, Hitler, Yosemite Sam) walks with a swagger that would blow your mind away. Then of course there is the little fact that he wears tight body hugging t-shirts with a deep V-line cleavage. And that when I walked into the restroom I found him checking out his own butt (or whatever it was he was looking at half twisted and arching in front of the mirror). But the charm of the alpha dog is in his mannerism. It is in the fact that he can never ask a question without first establishing that the entire class is looking at him. It is when he raises his sleeves to flex his muscles with a casual élan while framing the question and more importantly it is the sheer belief and intensity on his face and the conviction with which he asks questions. He epitomises as someone would say, everything that Niestche would want his Ubermeschen to be.
Appendix:
A vote of thanks to all the people who observed this phenomenon and helped me write this. You know who you are so pat yourselves.
End note 1: Social Boy is a person who is characterised by the following, “I question therefore I am!” As someone who is so full of himself and thinks that the Universe revolves around him, that he actually believes that questions (which the rest of us would consider irrelevant and inconsequential) to be of supreme existential importance.
End note 2: To answer the feminist in you asking this question, let me assure you that when it comes to being a Social Boy i.e. being a massive blob of ego, thick skinned and Neanderthal like, we men are leaps and bounds ahead of women and as such I have found no reason to think otherwise. But if it interests you still, there is a slow rising trend of women folk who ask questions in these lecture halls with the same intensity and half-baked intelligence as the social boys, though they haven’t reached that extraordinary level yet!
And just in case, Arnab Goswami: The very man who brings the truth live to us each day, who is not afraid to ask the tough questions and who promises the people of India every night at 10pm that he will pursue the situation to its logical and legal conclusion unless Poonam Pandey finally lives up to her promise or till the UPA goes into another corruption induced crisis, whichever comes first.
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