Small Talk

You eat and drink only till you are content or till the food overflows from your stomach gets stuck in your throat but after that point you cannot force more. This is because of a fundamental fact that matter occupies space, hence within a foxed volume of space only a fixed volume of matter can fit in.

This argument however does not extend to our glorious ability to talk. Wait I am not talking about a conversation that stirs up the souls or relaxes you but the sheer capacity of human beings to bullshit people around them under the guise of communication or more specifically under the guise of a term called ‘small talk.’

It is bewildering to here the following sample conversations:

You meet this guy, not a friend not a long lost friend but say a guy whom you know exists in your college and know his name and he knows the same about you.
“Hey, so whatcha doing?”
“Nothing much, watching a movie.”
“Oh, figures we are in a multiplex….hahahaha (forced laughter).”

Or the slightly more awkward case when you meet your friends Ex girlfriend who until recently was your friend because she was his girl but actually you couldn’t stand the sight of her. So now that they have broken off, do you vent out your frustration as you always wanted to? No. In these moments the conversation lies actually in those gasps and moments of silence that go unnoticed.

“Hey there, long time no see.”
A reassuring smile of fake politeness to be translated as, “as long as day before yesterday when he finally dumped you for good. Thank God!”
To which the reply comes, “I know. How have you been? It is good to see you. Anyway, I have to go. Bye”

This is followed by an apologetic silent polite smile which should be translated as, “You smug little creep. I always wanted to kick the crap out of you. Tell your jack ass buddy that I have a hot date waiting.”

Office conversations are even more obnoxious:

“Mishraji, so how is Mrs Mishra? And heard Tinu is going to go to Medical College. Congratulations!”
The real version, “Well of course you are sending your kid to medical school. You rake in all the moolah for my hard work. Wait till I break your bones, bet your sons education will pay rich dividends then.”

Having experienced the world of such wordsmiths around me I could not help but pick up a universal small talk conversation starter. It works only with middle aged men in small towns who are more or less frustrated with their lives. From a driver, to a cafeteria manager to a guy pretty high up in a plant factory every one responds to this splendid conversation starter, “So it hasn’t rained here much has it?” or the more ambiguous, “How has the weather been around here?”

But the favourite one of them all are simply two words which always manage to open a Pandora’s Box of conversations which neverend. This is primarily because you could not ask a person a more vague and redundant question. It starts of small and ends up being a conversation chronicling your entire life, your work, relationships and everything else.

These words are so much better in Hindi than in any other language, “Aur Sharmaji, bataiye aur kya chal raha hai.” The English street, hip-hop wannabe version of course is slightly more famous, “Waddup dawg? How’s it hangin?”